Demystifying the Acronym: Lesbian

This is the first follow-up post to the earlier 'Demystifying the Acronym: LGBTQIASPK' introduction.

Naturally the best place to start is the beginning. However, I think there is a lot less to demystify with the L of LGBTQIASPK because most people know that L stands for lesbian and that lesbians are women who primarily love or are attracted to other women.

So what can I demystify?

What many people don't seem to know is what it actually entails to be a lesbian. Misconceptions either stem from people believing that lesbian relationships are completely different from heterosexual relationships (some still appallingly believe that they are not relationships at all) or that they are completely the same. Lesbian relationships can and do have the same levels of love and connection that any other kind of relationship has, they are as real and valid as a the ground you stand on. However, this does not mean that you can apply everything that exists in a conventional heterosexual relationship to lesbian relationships. Questions like: "So, who is the man in the relationship?" completely miss the point and can be very offensive in the wrong context. In a sense this kind of query is understandable, we live in a hetero-normative society and therefore what most of us have been exposed to is solely heterosexual relationships. This means that often people try and understand what they don't know in terms of what they do, trying to identify who takes up the traditional gender roles that we have been conditioned to believe are necessary. One partner may present themselves in a more masculine way but this, again, varies as much as everything else within any relationship.

Further misconceptions come when people believe that all lesbian relationships are the same as each other. If you think about the variety of different types of heterosexual relationships there are, there exists the same amount of variation, if not more, in lesbian relationships. What makes lesbians lesbians is the fact that they are women who love or are attracted to other women, beyond that they are people and are as varied as the rest of us. While it might seem like I am stating the obvious, when I say 'lesbians are people' the point I'm trying to make is that being lesbian will no doubt be an important part of someone's identity but it does not fully define them. The mistake that a lot of people unfortunately make is to consider that someone's label, if it is different from the socially accepted 'norm', wholly captures who they are, what they stand for, and which stereotype they will embody. Lesbians are the same as you, they just happen to prefer women.

The stigma and social pressures that lesbian women experience throughout their lives, especially in a world where at a young age children are not taught about alternative sexualities (or genders), means that lesbians have, to a greater or lesser extent, had to deal with things that heterosexual people will never encounter in the same way. This means that when you are trying to understand what it means to be lesbian, it is important to recognise (if you are heterosexual) that their pain is not your pain, and that their experience has been different from yours.

Another important point: lesbian sex. Many people seem unable to understand how lesbians have sex or feel it is appropriate to ask about intimate details (most of the time it isn't). Probably the biggest issue with lesbian sex is the way it is portrayed in porn. Most porn depicting two women having sex is aimed at a male audience and spreads many misconceptions about what lesbian sex really is (e.g scissoring isn't as common as you might think). It is extremely important that we all realise that women having sex is not just a fetish, it is as real as any other kind of sex and should be respected at the same level. (I know I'm repeating myself but it is important!). What is lesbian sex actually like? The short answer is, again, it is as varied and dependent on the individuals as heterosexual sex. If you still can't understand how sex can work without a penis, Laci Green made a youtube video that explains much better than I could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMMjVwj_XJw.

Ultimately, we need much better education in schools about lesbian and other LGBT+ sexualities/relationships (it would help if they mentioned the existence of anything other than straight relationships for example), but in the meantime I think we all have our own responsibility to not remain ignorant about sexualities other than our own. Destroying ignorance is the first step to eradicating stigma and discrimination. The information is out there, we need to educate ourselves and at the very least simply realise that types of love and attraction other than what we personally feel are equally valid and deserving of our respect.

Written by Ellen

Picture Credits: Ellen and Lucia

NB: Please note that one of the main functions of this series of posts is to educate myself at the same time as informing others on these topics. The information and analysis is therefore as accurate as I can make it, I haven't experienced any of this firsthand. So if you feel I have inaccurately described anything in the above post please let me know in the comments and I will do my best to correct it.