Before I start watching a new TV show one of the first things I find out is whether it has a gay man in it. Some people might find it weird, surely it doesn’t matter whether there's a gay dude in it! But it does matter. It's important. So important.
I'm not saying that I don't enjoy TV shows that don't have gay men in them. The majority of TV shows I watch do not have gay men in them, but the ones that do are so much more important to me. As a child all of my friends were female because I found it very difficult to relate to boys. As I grew up and explored different media, I felt a disconnection between myself and the male role models every other boy wanted to be. I didn't want to be Luke Skywalker or David Beckham, I didn't care about them, they weren't like me.
It is hard to communicate the necessity of representation to someone for whom it is not a problem. When I look back on my childhood I am filled with great sadness. It took me a long time to come out and I cannot help but feel that if I'd had gay role models I would have come to terms with my identity far sooner and saved myself so much angst and confusion. As children the books we read and movies we watch guide us through adolescence. As boys we are meant to aspire to be these fantastical characters who's heroic exploits conquer evil in the name of good. We are told we should be heroes like Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, James Bond, we're told we should kill the baddies and get the girl. But what if I don't want the girl.
We call it a heteronormative society. It's normal to be straight, and that's just the way of life. So growing up I had no idea of anything other than that. I wasn't weird, I was normal. I didn't even know gay was anything more than an insult thrown about the playground until I was 10 years old. As I struggled to grasp hold of my identity I became more isolated. I had been told I was going to marry a pretty girl and have lots of children, that's what men did, that's what heroes did, that's what my dad and my teachers had done, and that's what the other boys were going to do. There was no notion of marrying a boy, that was weird, that was gay. I'd met perhaps three gay men and shied away from all of them, fearing that I might be like them. In my head it was like I had a disease. The adults didn’t talk about it, the children were scared of it, I didn’t know what it was or what it meant. It went against everything I had been taught, but I knew I had it. So I walked around with it, in constant fear someone would expose me, wishing I would stop being ill.
No one had ever said it was okay.
If I had known it was okay, known I could marry a boy, known I wasn’t weird, known I could still be a hero, still kill the baddies and still fall in love, then I would have never felt so awful. If I'd had a role model who I could connect with, a role model who was like me and could have shown me I was perfect just they way I was then I never would have felt so isolated. I remember the first gay couple I ever saw on TV; Tara and Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer; and how much I cried when they got together. It filled me with the hope that one day I would find someone too.
It may be 2015 but not that much has changed. Millions of children are growing up scared and isolated because they don't understand themselves. In schools we get 'the sex talk' but where’s the sexuality talk? Where are the parents who sit their kids down and say 'its okay if you're a different gender'? Nobody tells these children that its okay.
That is why we need LGBT+ characters. If you're straight and cis-gender you know who you are, you know where you stand in the world, and you have role models to aspire to. But many LGBT+ individuals don’t have this security, we go through such extraordinary experiences and often don't have anyone who understands or even accepts who we are. Given the failings of many parents, the education system and society as a whole, we must look to popular media for
support. The LGBT+ youth need role models, characters to empathise with; people who go through what we experience and empower us to keep fighting so we can get a happy ending too. Showcasing LGBT+ characters is not only beneficial to LGBT+ youth. LGBT+ individuals of all ages will be given further strength and hope by being able to relate to issues they’re experiencing through characters they love. The wider coverage of LGBT+ issues will also allow parents across the world to understand and support their children, and promote global acceptance and equality.
I don't want any child to feel the way I did. I don't want my children to live in a world of pain, isolation and ignorance. But I do hope that other LGBT+ individuals will be able to relate to my experience and that my pleas for representation extend out to anyone who has been oppressed or discriminated against.
That is why I find out whether a show has a gay man in it. I know I will be able to relate to him, I know he will support other gay men, and I know he will be a beacon of hope for us all.
Written by Jub
Picture credit: Ellen
Recommended TV shows with prominent LGBT+ characters:
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Greys Anatomy, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Glee, Orange Is The New Black, Ugly Betty, The Fosters, The New Normal, Skins, The L Word, Looking, Queer As
Folk, Banana,